So.. I found out the other day that I have to start letting Jon Paul have Jabin for visits again. I have to tell you that that news made me cry. Jabin has come SO far in the past month without seeing his dad. His vocabulary has taken off. He is SO much happier and more confident. His teachers tell me he is even starting to play with the other kids. My fear is that all of that will go away once he goes to see his dad come tomorrow. I am literally brokenhearted because of this, but there is really nothing I can do except put it in God's hands, right? I have kept pretty close contact with my lawyer over the past month to find out what my rights are and what I can do, but in the end, the judge has the final say. It can be very difficult leaving your child's fate in the hands of someone who has no idea of the challenges your child has face, and the challenges you have faced. And since this is a district court, the judge has probably thousands of cases he sees a year. Why would he care? God is in control, right? I know he is, it's just hard to wait and be peaceful sometimes when my world seems to be crashing in around me.
"In this world you will have troubles, but take heart, I have overcome the world!" -Jesus
February 2, 2013
My crazy, upside-down life
My life has changed so much over the past year and a half. But before I get into that, let me give you a little background information. For those of you that don't know me, I grew up in southwest Nebraska in a little tiny of about 625 people. After graduating from high school, I went off to a Christian college in Northwest Iowa. After finishing one year there, I decided it was too expensive to go back so I looked into different colleges that were closer to home and not nearly as expensive. I decided on Chadron State College but after being there for only a week I found myself miserable so I called my parents, and they came and got me. One semester later I was starting school at Western Nebraska Community College in Scottsbluff. One year later I met a man online who turned my world upside down. In hindsight, the relationship was horrible from the beginning, but I was so young and inexperienced with men that I got sucked in. By the end of that year (2006) we were married. A little over nine months later Jabin arrived. From the beginning Jabin has been my joy and pride of life, but caring for him has also been challenging since we found out he has developmental delays. It can be very challenging for both of us sometimes, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. He can be very ornery, but he can also be very loving.
Anyway, after many years of some ups, but mostly downs, I decided it was time to leave my husband for good. So.. I packed up my car with my stuff and what I could fit in there, and Jabin and I moved back to Nebraska and away from Louisiana and Jon Paul's family. That was almost exactly a year and a half ago. We (Jabin and I) moved back in with my parents until I could get back on my feet. I got a job at the local grade school as a teacher's aide which I really like. I love the people I work with, but I also really like working in the same school where Jabin is going to school. Jon Paul and I were on and off for about 10 months before my mission trip to Mexico in May of last year. While I Mexico my life flipped even more upside down. I came to the conclusion that my relationship with Jon Paul was hindering both of us. I was miserable all the time and by staying with him I was giving him permission to not grow up.
A little over two months later, he filed for divorce since I didn't have the money at the time. About a week later, we had a huge argument that occurred after his visitation. Since then the relationship between the two of us has quickly become hostile. He would call me a dozen times a day and harass me. He sent me mean text messages. He has lied about me to the court. I have learned over the past six months how to refrain from lashing back at him. I try to remind myself that the problem is not me, but him. I do want him to be happy, but my main concern is my son's safety and well-being. He has done nothing but harass me over the past six months.
The amazing thing about this whole situation is that through it all I still have peace, for the most part. I am learning to really trust God with everything and leave Jabin in His hands. That is the hardest thing for me, especially since Jabin came back from his last visit with his dad with a black eye. I keep reminding myself of the verses in Philippians 4 about peace and trying to do the right thing. I know God is working in this situation because I can feel it. I am just trying to remind myself to be patient. Patience isn't something I've been very good with. In fact, my lack of patience has caused me a lot of grief over the years. Maybe God is teaching me patience, also. I guess some day I will find out.
So... I've been a single mom for a year and a half. It's been a crazy journey; one I never saw myself facing, but I've made it thus far and plan on making it a lot farther. My son means the world to me, and I wouldn't trade him for anything.... no matter HOW ornery he gets.
Anyway, after many years of some ups, but mostly downs, I decided it was time to leave my husband for good. So.. I packed up my car with my stuff and what I could fit in there, and Jabin and I moved back to Nebraska and away from Louisiana and Jon Paul's family. That was almost exactly a year and a half ago. We (Jabin and I) moved back in with my parents until I could get back on my feet. I got a job at the local grade school as a teacher's aide which I really like. I love the people I work with, but I also really like working in the same school where Jabin is going to school. Jon Paul and I were on and off for about 10 months before my mission trip to Mexico in May of last year. While I Mexico my life flipped even more upside down. I came to the conclusion that my relationship with Jon Paul was hindering both of us. I was miserable all the time and by staying with him I was giving him permission to not grow up.
A little over two months later, he filed for divorce since I didn't have the money at the time. About a week later, we had a huge argument that occurred after his visitation. Since then the relationship between the two of us has quickly become hostile. He would call me a dozen times a day and harass me. He sent me mean text messages. He has lied about me to the court. I have learned over the past six months how to refrain from lashing back at him. I try to remind myself that the problem is not me, but him. I do want him to be happy, but my main concern is my son's safety and well-being. He has done nothing but harass me over the past six months.
The amazing thing about this whole situation is that through it all I still have peace, for the most part. I am learning to really trust God with everything and leave Jabin in His hands. That is the hardest thing for me, especially since Jabin came back from his last visit with his dad with a black eye. I keep reminding myself of the verses in Philippians 4 about peace and trying to do the right thing. I know God is working in this situation because I can feel it. I am just trying to remind myself to be patient. Patience isn't something I've been very good with. In fact, my lack of patience has caused me a lot of grief over the years. Maybe God is teaching me patience, also. I guess some day I will find out.
So... I've been a single mom for a year and a half. It's been a crazy journey; one I never saw myself facing, but I've made it thus far and plan on making it a lot farther. My son means the world to me, and I wouldn't trade him for anything.... no matter HOW ornery he gets.
May 9, 2011
Happy Mother's Day!
I know this is a day late, but I really didn't get much of a chance to even get online yesterday.
I had been thinking about what I wanted to say about my mom, and.. frankly, I think I will just let it flow.
I won't say my mom has always been my best friend, but I will say that my mom has ALWAYS been there for me when I needed somebody to talk to. She may be biased in her opions, but she always listens to me no matter what. My mom has been the one I called when I put my car in the ditch because I was going too fast on snowy roads, or when I needed to vent about a job, or worried about something during a pregnancy, or when I was having problems in my marriage. I won't say she always gave her unbiased opinion because... she's my mom. She is going to side with me on whatever, simply because she loves me and wants what is best for me. My mom has faced a lot of hard things in her life. her health has not been very good for as long as I can remember yet she is constantly making sacrifices for those she loves. She has also blossomed over the past few years into a wonderful woman. She is more confident, more outgoing, and just seems to be happier in general. I am very happy for my mom and the triumphs she has had in the past few years.
This Mother's day weekend was pretty hard for me. I think it is the hardest one I have faced yet since becoming a mother... But then again, it's the first one I've celebrated away from her since Jabin was born. I have to admit, I was really missing my family this weekend, but I understand that I am where I am supposed to be... no matter how difficult it is and can be. I am very thankful though that I have such great in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who seems to love me almost like her own daughter. She has taken me under her wing and cared for me and listened to me when I needed somebody to talk to. She let me stay at her house when I needed a break from home. I have been so blessed with such a wonderful woman as my mother-in-law. I know not all women are "lucky" enough to get a mother-in-law they like, let alone one they actually like to hang out with.
Anyway... so to all you mothers out there... whether you had a child biologically, adopted a child, fostered a child or just helped raise a child.... because, as they used to say, it takes a village to raise a child.... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I hope you had an extremely blessed day.
I had been thinking about what I wanted to say about my mom, and.. frankly, I think I will just let it flow.
I won't say my mom has always been my best friend, but I will say that my mom has ALWAYS been there for me when I needed somebody to talk to. She may be biased in her opions, but she always listens to me no matter what. My mom has been the one I called when I put my car in the ditch because I was going too fast on snowy roads, or when I needed to vent about a job, or worried about something during a pregnancy, or when I was having problems in my marriage. I won't say she always gave her unbiased opinion because... she's my mom. She is going to side with me on whatever, simply because she loves me and wants what is best for me. My mom has faced a lot of hard things in her life. her health has not been very good for as long as I can remember yet she is constantly making sacrifices for those she loves. She has also blossomed over the past few years into a wonderful woman. She is more confident, more outgoing, and just seems to be happier in general. I am very happy for my mom and the triumphs she has had in the past few years.
This Mother's day weekend was pretty hard for me. I think it is the hardest one I have faced yet since becoming a mother... But then again, it's the first one I've celebrated away from her since Jabin was born. I have to admit, I was really missing my family this weekend, but I understand that I am where I am supposed to be... no matter how difficult it is and can be. I am very thankful though that I have such great in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who seems to love me almost like her own daughter. She has taken me under her wing and cared for me and listened to me when I needed somebody to talk to. She let me stay at her house when I needed a break from home. I have been so blessed with such a wonderful woman as my mother-in-law. I know not all women are "lucky" enough to get a mother-in-law they like, let alone one they actually like to hang out with.
Anyway... so to all you mothers out there... whether you had a child biologically, adopted a child, fostered a child or just helped raise a child.... because, as they used to say, it takes a village to raise a child.... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I hope you had an extremely blessed day.
Interesting weekend
We had an interesting weekend.
Saturday at around 9:30 PM or so, Jon Paul and I heard a knock on our door. Jon Paul went to open it, and some guy was at the door. He asked Jon Paul if he could buy our brown car for $800. That's more than we paid for it! The people around here really like that type of car though, and it is really a blessing in disguise for a number of reasons. (1) We would have to put a lot of work into that car in order for it to pass inspection, and we don't have the money to do that. (2) We don't have the money to license it anyway. (3) We don't need two cars right now. (4) We need the money. We didn't tell him right then that we would sell it to him though. I told Jon Paul that we should think and pray about it overnight. Yesterday afternoon we decided to go ahead and sell it so Jon Paul called the guy and told him we would sell it to him for $850. Now, I have no idea why he said that much, but the guy agreed to it. He said he would pay us next week. I am hoping it goes through because we could really use the money right now.
After that guy left, Jon Paul and I were sitting on the couch. I was getting ready to go to bed when we heard a loud CRUNCH, and then squealing tires. The crunch sounded like somebody hit a trash can right outside our window. I looked out the window and told Jon Paul somebody had just rear-ended another car. Turns out, it was a four car "pile up". From what I gather, there were three cars sitting at the red light, in a row, when the 4th car came along (obviously not paying attention) and rear ended a little white mercedes car, which then rear-ended another car, and that one proceeded to rear-end another car. The car with the most damage was the white mercedes. They had two kids in the backseat. Their trunk was practically demolished, and their back window shattered, but miraculously nobody appeared to be hurt though apparently, the lady driving the Mercedes was VERY angry about her new car being totalled. About a minute after I walked outside, I heard sirens. Pretty soon I car a cop car come sailing through the intersection and speed on by. Then, came another cop car doing the same thing. A couple minutes later a cop finally came and stopped at the accident. By the time, the whole ordeal was over, there had been at least three cop cars, two firetrucks, an ambulance, another blazer from the fire department and two tow trucks that helped out. The firetrucks had to clean up gasoline from the mercedes before they could pry the two back vehicles apart. The EMT's had someone on a stretcher, but I am not sure if they took her to the hospital or not. After two of the cops, and the firemen left, the guys from the towing company returned and finished cleaning up the mess of glass on the street. The last one to leave was the cop who was first to the scene.
Yesterday, Jabin and I went to church, and I was very blessed. I didn't want to go to Sunday School, but I was glad I did. The Sunday School teacher is such a nice lady. We talked for a few minutes after Sunday School, and she gave me her phone number and told me to call her whenever. Then, she introduced me to one of her best friends, and we talked for a few minutes before church. After church, I volunteered to help with the VBS as a teacher for the pre-K/Kindergarten. After church Jon Paul's mom and Grandma came over for a couple hours. After they left, Jabin and I took a nap. When I woke up, my mom called, and I talked to her for a few minutes. Then, last night we went to church to hear Elvis Presley's stepbrother preach. His name is Rick Stanley, and he is not like any preacher I've ever heard before. Seems to be a nice guy. Very down to earth. Jon Paul asked him a couple questions about Elvis before we left. Jon Paul also talked to a few people he hadn't talked to in years. It was nice.
Saturday at around 9:30 PM or so, Jon Paul and I heard a knock on our door. Jon Paul went to open it, and some guy was at the door. He asked Jon Paul if he could buy our brown car for $800. That's more than we paid for it! The people around here really like that type of car though, and it is really a blessing in disguise for a number of reasons. (1) We would have to put a lot of work into that car in order for it to pass inspection, and we don't have the money to do that. (2) We don't have the money to license it anyway. (3) We don't need two cars right now. (4) We need the money. We didn't tell him right then that we would sell it to him though. I told Jon Paul that we should think and pray about it overnight. Yesterday afternoon we decided to go ahead and sell it so Jon Paul called the guy and told him we would sell it to him for $850. Now, I have no idea why he said that much, but the guy agreed to it. He said he would pay us next week. I am hoping it goes through because we could really use the money right now.
After that guy left, Jon Paul and I were sitting on the couch. I was getting ready to go to bed when we heard a loud CRUNCH, and then squealing tires. The crunch sounded like somebody hit a trash can right outside our window. I looked out the window and told Jon Paul somebody had just rear-ended another car. Turns out, it was a four car "pile up". From what I gather, there were three cars sitting at the red light, in a row, when the 4th car came along (obviously not paying attention) and rear ended a little white mercedes car, which then rear-ended another car, and that one proceeded to rear-end another car. The car with the most damage was the white mercedes. They had two kids in the backseat. Their trunk was practically demolished, and their back window shattered, but miraculously nobody appeared to be hurt though apparently, the lady driving the Mercedes was VERY angry about her new car being totalled. About a minute after I walked outside, I heard sirens. Pretty soon I car a cop car come sailing through the intersection and speed on by. Then, came another cop car doing the same thing. A couple minutes later a cop finally came and stopped at the accident. By the time, the whole ordeal was over, there had been at least three cop cars, two firetrucks, an ambulance, another blazer from the fire department and two tow trucks that helped out. The firetrucks had to clean up gasoline from the mercedes before they could pry the two back vehicles apart. The EMT's had someone on a stretcher, but I am not sure if they took her to the hospital or not. After two of the cops, and the firemen left, the guys from the towing company returned and finished cleaning up the mess of glass on the street. The last one to leave was the cop who was first to the scene.
Yesterday, Jabin and I went to church, and I was very blessed. I didn't want to go to Sunday School, but I was glad I did. The Sunday School teacher is such a nice lady. We talked for a few minutes after Sunday School, and she gave me her phone number and told me to call her whenever. Then, she introduced me to one of her best friends, and we talked for a few minutes before church. After church, I volunteered to help with the VBS as a teacher for the pre-K/Kindergarten. After church Jon Paul's mom and Grandma came over for a couple hours. After they left, Jabin and I took a nap. When I woke up, my mom called, and I talked to her for a few minutes. Then, last night we went to church to hear Elvis Presley's stepbrother preach. His name is Rick Stanley, and he is not like any preacher I've ever heard before. Seems to be a nice guy. Very down to earth. Jon Paul asked him a couple questions about Elvis before we left. Jon Paul also talked to a few people he hadn't talked to in years. It was nice.
May 7, 2011
Browsing
This morning Jabin and I went for a nice, long walk. We walked all the way to the end of the old main street and back, checking out the businesses along the way. We found some cool, little shops. We went into a consignment store that sold really nice formal dresses and other clothing, etc. Then, we found another store across the street that was called What a Girl Wants. It was basically a store for women. They had really nice, designer (?) purses, luggage, home decor, etc. We saw a lot of beauty salon-type places too. And of course, there were a LOT of lawyer offices since the main street where we live and walked has the court house right smack dab in the middle of it, and I mean that quite literally. The street was built AROUND the courthouse. On our way back, we walked by the fire department where the firemen had their trucks out doing some sort of training or something. That made Jabin really excited. He let out his happy "squeal". Some of the firemen heard him and smiled at us. That was kind of cool. It didn't take Jabin long to get really tired on the way back so I ended up carrying him for a few blocks, but he is so heavy I can't carry him for very long. I think next time I will take the stroller with me. I really like checking out local shops. It is so much fun. Some day maybe I can actually buy something from these shops. The consignment store was selling some stuff for 75% off today. Talk about nice. Too bad I don't have the money for it.
Tonight Jon Paul's family is doing a Mother's day slash celebration for the end of my mother-in-law's journey of radiation and chemo. Yesterday was her last day of radiation, and before that she had to have chemo. She has been so strong throughout the whole thing. Jon Paul can't go to it because he has to go to a play for one of his online classes. He asked me if I wanted to go, and I said I didn't know if we had enough money for the gas. Gas prices are between $3.77 and $3.89 for regular unleaded which is cheaper down here because of the oil rigs. Thankfully, my car gets pretty good gas mileage, but... the oil really needs changed. Maybe next paycheck it will get changed.
Tomorrow I think I may do a tribute to my mom on here.
Tonight Jon Paul's family is doing a Mother's day slash celebration for the end of my mother-in-law's journey of radiation and chemo. Yesterday was her last day of radiation, and before that she had to have chemo. She has been so strong throughout the whole thing. Jon Paul can't go to it because he has to go to a play for one of his online classes. He asked me if I wanted to go, and I said I didn't know if we had enough money for the gas. Gas prices are between $3.77 and $3.89 for regular unleaded which is cheaper down here because of the oil rigs. Thankfully, my car gets pretty good gas mileage, but... the oil really needs changed. Maybe next paycheck it will get changed.
Tomorrow I think I may do a tribute to my mom on here.
May 6, 2011
Reflections and Contemplations
I have been thinking the last two days a lot about what I posted the other day. I realize there are a lot of people, women especially, who feel the way I do. We have so many ways to keep in touch with people these days yet we are often still very lonely. I wonder if maybe these may be the loneliest times yet. We get so caught up in the quantity of communications with other people that we entirely neglect quality communication. How many people can say they have somebody they can truly talk to, a best friend? Kind of like a soul mate, but... not. Like a blood brother/sister used to be. I had a "best" friend in high school, but... I never really felt special. I always felt second-best. I hate how, it seems, everybody is afraid to expose themselves to other people. One thing I haven't (usually) had a problem with is opening up to other people about how I feel. Most people aren't like that though, or at least not in my experience. Maybe we should focus more on REALLY talking with other people than just making casual conversation. Pick ONE person to get to know better and see where it leads you. I think we would all be a lot happier if we did that. I realized that social media sites like Facebook tend to suck people in. We (I included) could stare at the computer screen for hours waiting for somebody to post a new status update, yet I RARELY talked to people on Facebook, and the longer I went without really talking to people, the less I really had a desire to do it. It was like "I really want to talk to somebody, but I don't know what to say" so I wouldn't do it. We can always talk ourselves OUT of doing something because "I don't think it's right for me" or "I'm not sure I'm called to do it" or "It's not my gift". I am talking to myself as well as everybody else. I got so sucked into Facebook that I was neglecting a lot of other things, and relationships. I guess my assignment for us all this week is to pick one person to share yourself with and get to know them better, and it can't be your significant other (though we should do that with them too). Reach out to somebody. I'll have to think on this one a little bit since I'm in a completely new state and don't know many people. I want you all to keep me accountable.
Progress
I have been working on and off the past few weeks trying to get this house cleaned. It is a HARD task since this house is so big, and it has NO carpet at all. Most of the floors are hardwood and the rest are linoleum. Nobody has lived in this house for several years as far as I know so there is an acculumation of dirt and whatever nastiness the last people left on the floor when they moved out. I spent two days scrubbing the floors in the dining room, living room and Jabin's room. I still have two rooms with hardwood floors to clean, but they shouldn't take as long since those rooms aren't nearly as huge as the ones I already scrubbed. I started mopping the floor in the kitchen the other day, but didn't make it very far before Jon Paul got home and we ended up going outside to do yardwork which just made the floor all dirty all over again.
It is also challenging organizing this place since we don't really have a lot of furniture still. Jabin only has a playpen in his room: no dresser, nothing. He DOES have a closet with A shelf in it, and a place where there is supposed to be a pole. I actually got tired of his clothes being all over the place so I made a makeshift pole out of what I had on hand. It isn't the most sturdy thing in the world, but it works for now. Thankfully, his clothes are not too heavy. The only problem, though, is that it only has his short-sleeved shirts on it. All of his other clothes are still in his hamper waiting to have something done with them. I have debated whether or not I want to go through and get rid of all the long-sleeved shirts since it's been above 80 here more days than not, and apparently next week it will be in the 90's. UgH! Thankfully, the humidity has not been that bad.
So... the rooms that are "clean", at least mostly, are the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, Jabin's room, and our bedroom. I still have a lot more thorough cleaning to do, but... the task is daunting when I am the only one doing it. Anyway, here are some pictures of the work I have done.
It is also challenging organizing this place since we don't really have a lot of furniture still. Jabin only has a playpen in his room: no dresser, nothing. He DOES have a closet with A shelf in it, and a place where there is supposed to be a pole. I actually got tired of his clothes being all over the place so I made a makeshift pole out of what I had on hand. It isn't the most sturdy thing in the world, but it works for now. Thankfully, his clothes are not too heavy. The only problem, though, is that it only has his short-sleeved shirts on it. All of his other clothes are still in his hamper waiting to have something done with them. I have debated whether or not I want to go through and get rid of all the long-sleeved shirts since it's been above 80 here more days than not, and apparently next week it will be in the 90's. UgH! Thankfully, the humidity has not been that bad.
So... the rooms that are "clean", at least mostly, are the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, Jabin's room, and our bedroom. I still have a lot more thorough cleaning to do, but... the task is daunting when I am the only one doing it. Anyway, here are some pictures of the work I have done.
The above pictures are of our bedroom before I cleaned it the other day.
The below pictures are after I cleaned.
They look so much more organized. I actually like coming
in my bedroom now.
The first two pictures below are of our front living room.
The window behind the couch is like 6 feet tall and over 5 feet wide.
It is HUGE! We haven't gotten curtains for it yet so it gets pretty warm in the afternoons.
These two (above and below) are of Jabin's room.
The next three are of the dining room.
We got the table from my mother-in-law,
and the bench from my father-in-law.
The kitchen
We had to buy the fridge and the stove.
Together they cost $225,
but the oven door came off one of its hinges like six days after I bought it.
Thankfully, we got it fixed without having to take it anywhere to get fixed.
Another picture of the living room.
I scrubbed and organized the top two shelves of this today.
Looks MUCH better.
May 4, 2011
Failure
I have discovered something about myself in the past 24 hours. I have found that I am not a failure, but a quitter. I don't fail at things because I don't even attempt them. That, in itself, is probably the worst form of failure. I have been so afraid of failing at life that I haven't even attempted to live it. My life is so full of fears that my life is pretty miserable sometimes. I'm so afraid of offending someone or trying something new that I just stay in my little bubble time and time again. I don't reach out to other people because I am afraid of being rejected. I don't attempt to please my husband because I am so afraid of disappointing him time and time again. I am a horrible housekeeper and not a very good wife most of the time because I am afraid of failure. I see simple tasks as overwhelming obstacles. God used Jon Paul to reveal these things to me last night. I know I have some good friends who care about me back in Nebraska. I am just frustrated because I honestly feel like I am not valuable enough to them for them to send me an email or text message or call me. Jon Paul told me this morning that people don't call each other anymore. I told him that's fine with me, but how come they don't email me or text me either. People really need to notify that person when they are thinking about them. They never know when that person could really use the confidence and morale boost. My confidence is still almost non-existent, but I am determined that I will keep striving to do what I know I need to do for myself, for my husband, my family and ultimately for God. I am tired of the devil telling me I am a failure. I am tired of all the negative self-talk he puts into my head. I want to spend more time with God and less time listening to Satan. I have decided to give up Facebook for an undetermined amount of time because I depend way too much on it to fulfill me. It makes me sad, but it also gives me a sense of peace that now I will be able to move past my current situation. I am hoping that my friends will still keep in touch with me, but at this point in my life, I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess I find this my way of weeding out the people who... well... I'm not sure how to put it. I don't want to say it's my way of weeding out the people who don't care about me, but that kind of seems to be the way I feel. If anybody wants my email address comment below.
This song fits well with how I feel right now:
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
This song fits well with how I feel right now:
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
October 27, 2010
Humility
So this "week" the character trait I have been reading about is humility. The authors talk about how pride comes across differently in different people. False humility is considered pride. Putting yourself down is considered pride. I've never really had a problem with pride as we normally see it, but I have had a lot of problems in my past with false humility and putting myself down. I tend to think that nobody really likes me and that people are talking bad about me, etc. In reality, that's pride. By putting the focus on myself, I am being prideful. Who am I to think that people are talking or thinking about me? Am I really that important that people would take the time to pay attention to me?
The book also talks about how we need to have the right perspective of God. God is holy and perfect and more than we can comprehend. We need to remind ourselves of that so we don't get a big ego. The book talks about having a balance. You don't want to be too prideful, thinking "Look at me" or "look at what I have done" yet you also don't want to be thinking "Woe is me".
The key verses used for this week were from Philippians 2:3-8:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself
and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!
My Action plans for this week are:
I will worship God. I will turn more events of my day into a prayer so that he will increase and I will decrease. I will include God in my thoughts while driving, walking, working, chatting with someone, or watching television. I will acknowledge his great power by talking to him about my worry, fear, anger, frustration, and anxiety, as well as my delight and cheer!
I will study God. I will dive deep into exploring who God is. I will do this through studying his names, his character traits, and his love toward me in Scripture.
I will not tear myself down. I will see my attitude of worthlessness for what it is -- pride. I will replace my negative self-talk with thanks to God for hwo he has made me.
I will obey God in an area in which I have been holding back. Instead of saying "that's just the way I am," I will work on areas -- with the power of the Holy Spirit -- in which I am offensive, irritating, hurtful, selfish, or out of control.
I will be an encourager. I will stop comparing myself to others, and instead turn my attention to others and freely give genuine compliments. I will not be judgmental. I will replace my tendency to be harsh, opinionated, and critical, with words and acts of kindness, affirmation, and understanding.
I will be a helper. I will get my eyes off myself, especially if I am going through a difficult time. I will look for ways to turn my attention outward and be a help to someone else. I will shift the balance from being more of a taker to being more of a giver.
The book also talks about how we need to have the right perspective of God. God is holy and perfect and more than we can comprehend. We need to remind ourselves of that so we don't get a big ego. The book talks about having a balance. You don't want to be too prideful, thinking "Look at me" or "look at what I have done" yet you also don't want to be thinking "Woe is me".
The key verses used for this week were from Philippians 2:3-8:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself
and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!
My Action plans for this week are:
I will worship God. I will turn more events of my day into a prayer so that he will increase and I will decrease. I will include God in my thoughts while driving, walking, working, chatting with someone, or watching television. I will acknowledge his great power by talking to him about my worry, fear, anger, frustration, and anxiety, as well as my delight and cheer!
I will study God. I will dive deep into exploring who God is. I will do this through studying his names, his character traits, and his love toward me in Scripture.
I will not tear myself down. I will see my attitude of worthlessness for what it is -- pride. I will replace my negative self-talk with thanks to God for hwo he has made me.
I will obey God in an area in which I have been holding back. Instead of saying "that's just the way I am," I will work on areas -- with the power of the Holy Spirit -- in which I am offensive, irritating, hurtful, selfish, or out of control.
I will be an encourager. I will stop comparing myself to others, and instead turn my attention to others and freely give genuine compliments. I will not be judgmental. I will replace my tendency to be harsh, opinionated, and critical, with words and acts of kindness, affirmation, and understanding.
I will be a helper. I will get my eyes off myself, especially if I am going through a difficult time. I will look for ways to turn my attention outward and be a help to someone else. I will shift the balance from being more of a taker to being more of a giver.
October 11, 2010
Contentment
So this "week" while going through my Character Makeover book, I learned about contentment. One of the key Scriptures they used in this book was from Philippians 4.
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
The verse that spoke to me the most while reading this was verse 12 because Paul went through horrific things in his lifetime yet he found what it meant to be content. He had nothing at times yet he was still grateful for what he had. That is the kind of attitude I want to have about life. Some of the quotes that the authors used in this section says:
"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have." Unknown author
"To experience happiness we must train ourselves to live in this moment, to savor it for what it is, not running ahead in anticipation of some future date nor lagging behind in the paralysis of the past." Luci Swindoll
"Greed, jealousy and envy are akin to each other. Greed wants more. Jealousy hoards what it already has. But envy wants to have what someone else possesses." Charles Swindoll
"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others." French Proverb
"If happiness could be found in having material things and in bein able to indulge yourself in things you consider pleasurable, then we would be deliriously happy. We would be telling one another frequently of our unparalleled bliss, rather than trading anti-deoressant prescriptions." W.W. Norton & Company
"We spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy less; we have more convenience, yet less time; more leisure and less fun; we have more knowledge but less judgment; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness. We spent too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get angry too quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too little; watch too much TV; pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we talk too much, love too little and lie too often. WE've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more parties, but less fun; more acquaintances, but fewer friends. These are times of fancier houses, but broken homes; higher incomes, but lower morals. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to our years." Bob Moorehead
My goals for this coming week:
1) I will be thankful.
2) I will redefine my "needs".
3) I will develop myself. I will expand not what I have, but who I am, by cultivating friendships; enjoying conversation, music, and art; savoring reflection and solitude; or exploring hobbies and interests.
4) I will rest. I will plan some leisure time into every day. I will give myself a short break at least once a day where I do something I enjoy, such as read a book, crochet, or take a catnap. I will sit outside to eat my lunch, weather permitting.
5) I will make eye contact with every person I meet this week, and I will be generous with my smiles.
6) I will watch my vocabulary and eliminate negative words such as struggle, hassle, exhausted, frustrated, draining, and impossible. I will inject more positive words such as adventure, explore, exciting, potential, hope, and celebrate.
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
The verse that spoke to me the most while reading this was verse 12 because Paul went through horrific things in his lifetime yet he found what it meant to be content. He had nothing at times yet he was still grateful for what he had. That is the kind of attitude I want to have about life. Some of the quotes that the authors used in this section says:
"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have." Unknown author
"To experience happiness we must train ourselves to live in this moment, to savor it for what it is, not running ahead in anticipation of some future date nor lagging behind in the paralysis of the past." Luci Swindoll
"Greed, jealousy and envy are akin to each other. Greed wants more. Jealousy hoards what it already has. But envy wants to have what someone else possesses." Charles Swindoll
"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others." French Proverb
"If happiness could be found in having material things and in bein able to indulge yourself in things you consider pleasurable, then we would be deliriously happy. We would be telling one another frequently of our unparalleled bliss, rather than trading anti-deoressant prescriptions." W.W. Norton & Company
"We spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy less; we have more convenience, yet less time; more leisure and less fun; we have more knowledge but less judgment; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness. We spent too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get angry too quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too little; watch too much TV; pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we talk too much, love too little and lie too often. WE've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more parties, but less fun; more acquaintances, but fewer friends. These are times of fancier houses, but broken homes; higher incomes, but lower morals. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to our years." Bob Moorehead
My goals for this coming week:
1) I will be thankful.
2) I will redefine my "needs".
3) I will develop myself. I will expand not what I have, but who I am, by cultivating friendships; enjoying conversation, music, and art; savoring reflection and solitude; or exploring hobbies and interests.
4) I will rest. I will plan some leisure time into every day. I will give myself a short break at least once a day where I do something I enjoy, such as read a book, crochet, or take a catnap. I will sit outside to eat my lunch, weather permitting.
5) I will make eye contact with every person I meet this week, and I will be generous with my smiles.
6) I will watch my vocabulary and eliminate negative words such as struggle, hassle, exhausted, frustrated, draining, and impossible. I will inject more positive words such as adventure, explore, exciting, potential, hope, and celebrate.
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